Firstly Hi how are you guys? is there anyone left reading? lol
It's been so long since I blogged last and I'm sorry about that.
The end of last year was quite manic and the beginning of this year has been a tough one.
I started this blog, as you know, mainly as a diary and a release for thoughts and feelings that I was experiencing. In a way, I thought putting it all out there would force me to deal with my issues. I'm pleased to say that does seem to be the case! I really really do feel like I've made massive steps forward. This time last year I was in wembley stadium singing along to the Killers with nearly 90 thousand other people. Who would have thought that when I started this blog?
This is not the reason for my absence. I wish I could tell you travelling the world and having the time of my life, is what has kept me away, but I'd be lying sadly.
There has been a lot of stress and change in both mine and my families lives. There have been alot of down moments in this last six months and through it all I've thought "blog about it, it'll help you come to terms with everything that's happening" but ironically I couldn't. It's something that has a effect on me but isn't my story to tell. It could have been much more damaging to actually have shared my thoughts lol. So sorry for being so vague but this wasn't the place to share. Losing this outlet I think really did hit me hard. So I did miss you all.
Anyway I don't want to make this blog all doom and gloom. I just wanted to let you all know I'm still alive and kicking. Anyone that's still reading I'd love to hear your gossip, what have I missed? any news?
To make up for nearly a year of just writing drafts, Ii thought I'd do kind of a getting to know you blog. I thought I'd share 8 things you don't know about me :)
I hope anyone that reads will add their 8 things in the comments too. You know sharing lol :P
1: I'm obsessed with all things paranormal.
Ok so a few of you may know this. I have a ever growing book list of paranormal books sat on my kindle. I love anything from zombies to ghosts but my total fav is vampires. I think it all started with buffy, I had the biggest crush on Angel in that programme lol. My obsession has spilled over into my décor in my bedroom as I currently have a vampire print, a skull and a saw puppet all sat on my dressing table. I think it's starting to get noticeable for my nieces. As Angel drew me as a vampire, with quite afew fangs :P lol.
2. I'm completely unreligious.
So non-religious I was banned from studying R.E at school lol. Now I was a good student, never got in trouble but yes I was banned. We had a lesson that my mum didn't agree in and she wrote in a letter of complaint. Now I'm not sure if it was letter or the fact I said I didn't believe in any of that nonsense that got me banned but I wasn't gutted that's for sure!I grew up with a mum that does have a certain amount of faith but never tried to make us believe or ram it down our throats, I'm grateful for that and deffo don't feel like I'm missing anything not having a god to lead me!
3: I cry at most films.
I'm not a massive crier in normal day to day life. I'm much more of a bottle it all up and deffo don't cry in public, kinda person. So much so that once my sister called me heartless and in fact questioned if i even had a heart. (hence me wanted to change) But put a sad film on and I will ball my eyes out like a baby lol. A few that made cry include: My sisters keeper, About time (so bloody funny and massively sad) and P.s i love you. It doesn't even have to be a sad film, just a sweet moment in a feel good film start me off. Don't even get me started on the animated movie Up lol!
4. I'd love to play a victim in a horror film.
I'm a big horror nut. Any horror film has to be watched and have seen my fair share of bad movies (yes slither I'm talking about you). Both my sisters are just as bad and we regularly still get together to watch horrors or have movie night sleep overs. So it'll come as no surprise that it's always been a lil secret dream of both me and my lil sis to be a victim in a horror movie. Personal favs would be Saw or Wrong turn. I'd also love to play a corpse in CSI.
5. My lil sister Lee is turning me into abit of a geek.
Ok so I admit I was a geek already (In alot of ways I see myself abit like Leonard in the big bang theory or Jess in new girl--just minus the glasses) I already watched my fair share of geekier movies like The spirit, Scott Pilgrim vs the world and Kick Ass ( i love them) But she's dragged me into the world of marvel. It started when Thor: the dark world was due out. She wanted to watch and as Chris hemsworth in massively hot I agreed, but Lee said i had to do it right and start with iron man and away we went, night after night till I was all caught up! Now I can't get enough and have even got the t-shirt as proof lol.
Pic below is me and my other sister Emma at our nephews Pokemon birthday party last month.
6. I once tried to commit suicide.
A slightly sadder one here, but hey not all secrets are fun or light hearted. I was about 17/18 and my family was going a really time, about 3 years of rough patch. I basically had enough or everything that was going on and was getting quite depressed. I felt like the only people I could talk about it with was my family. But how could you talk about it with them when its effecting them as well. At that time I began to withdraw and step away from friends, work mates and ended up feeling alone. I was trying to deal with past demons, with the new stress and uncertainty about which direction my future was going in, had left me really down. One day as I went out I had this thought that said "I could make all this go away with one step into that road" and that's what I tired! I was deadly serious at that time but as the car sped towards me I thought of my family and how selfish I was being, trying to add to their stress. I ran back and swore to never try again. I'm not saying that I never thought those thoughts again, I HAVE! quite alot, even to these later years but I know I'm never gonna try it again. I've tried to find anew way of coping A.K.A this blog and actually opening up more lol. So now I feel so much better.
7. when i was younger i wanted to be a actress.
You may find that strange as I'm shy and quiet and suffer with anxiety but it's always been a dream there in the background. I've had loads of career paths I've wanted to do like Journalism and photography but art and acting were always there in the forefront of my mind. It started from school, when I had to pick what to study for my GCSE'S drama was a big option for me. I chickened out because i didn't know anyone else doing that lesson. but I kinda regret not trying, I would probably have sucked but hey lol.
8. im kind of obsessed with online personality quizzes.
You know the ones what ninja turtle are you? lol. I blame the site PlayBuzz lol and alike. Whenever I'm bored I go on there lol. The bad thing is though every time I get all the dark, you need to live more results lol
Thanks for reading. If you fancy leave me a lil comment with 8 things about you or any news and gossip :)
take care till next time (which will hopefully be alot sooner lol)
Its been awhile since my last blog, but I was kinda busy and forgot LOL.
This blog is about birthdays, half term, new starts and slip ups. so a mixed bag today :P So i'll take you through my week and a bit!It's finally half term but as the title shows it's been far from relaxing! Since my last blog there's been three birthdays. My future bro-in-laws (4th of June) my sisters (6th of June) and my baby aka my art website http://dmquicksart.weebly.com/ (22nd of May)
I'm so pleased my website is a year old now. I've had over 8000 views and two commissions! I don't think that's too bad for an unknown shy little artist, who hasn't been in any galleries :) Continuing with my positive thinking, I'm hoping to AT LEAST double that by this time next year :P I did decide to paint my studio as a present to myself and my website lol.
For the other two birthdays I made two more cakes. Thought I'd try out something different, so I made a cake sculpted in the shape of a car, based on a lotus, with the Stig. That was for the bro-in-law's 26th and a handbag shaped cake for my sisters 25th :) I was in a bit of a panic as I ordered the fondant icing online, luckily they made it on time!
After four busy nights smelling off icing and cake I had to squeeze in abit of shopping too. On the way home from one trip, I did manage to trip up my own foot :P Thankfully there was no-one apart from my mum to see me do it and I did stay on my feet!
It was worth all the hassle when the shopping and cakes were done!
Shopping once again was good for me, no panicking, no anxiety, so I'm pleased with that!
Scott's party was first, on Monday. He's family of course was there, which was the downside but after they left it was ok. He's dad and new girlfriend again spent most of the evening groping each other in the kitchen! But the plus side was we could shut the door and the only children there was my nieces and little Link! Scott liked hes cake and it was mostly fun.
Tuesday we had the middle two girls, Rosie and Angel, while Emma and Scott went out. We were meant to have had Ruby too but she was naughty lol. We had a fun day in the park in the rain, me being a slide monster, chasing them around! then we continued the fun at home, when I scared Angel so much she said and I quote "I need a poo" lol at least she was still laughing :P All i was doing was jumping up at our door, which is like a saloon door. They were one side,, I was the other and I was just pretending to be our dog scaring them LOL!
That left me just that night to make Emma's birthday cake, thankfully i did it haha.
Wednesday came and my sister had been told she would be babysitting Scott's soon to step bros and sisters! 3 lil brats. They were at hers from 10am til 9pm!!!!!!!!!!! wow what a present. They eat all the party food, walked around like they owned the place and just generally were annoying! the girl hurt my sisters dog, bossed the girls around and got Isabelle out of her walker and passed her to ruby, whose too little to hold her properally. The youngest boy kept trying to hurt izzy and link, hogged the just dance game, jumped in most of my photos and stole MY camera of the girls to take photos! out of 197 photos there's now only about 40 that remain lol. the biggest was ok just bossy. All in all they pissed us all off and Emma has said never again. Who can blame her :( Scott's sister (the one I dont like) was there with her husband and kids too, so i was having the best time ever! all in all there was about 20 people spread between one living front and the kitchen! I stood kinda half way playing with Rosie but I could feel myself getting into a bit of a panic. So I went up-to the toilet just to escape for a few minutes and tried to get a grip. When I came down I saw my mum standing there asking if I was ok and I just started crying. I HATE crying :( really really hate it! I just felt so stupid that it was effecting me and so annoyed that I had came so far this year! It felt like a step back and I'm sat here on thursay, still annoyed about it. I know I'm going to have little set backs but it's actually annoying me much more then it ever did before. Must be a sign that I am determined to get over this now. Just wish my body would catch up with that wanting. The only good thing to come from it was my little sister told be she was sorry for not getting it before! As now shes been struggling with the same problem for a few weeks. I just said now you know why it hurt so much for you to tell me just get over it! Not that I wish feeling like that on anyone, but you do need to feel like it to understand! We escaped for 10 minutes to Tesco with angel :) I know its strange to go to the shop to escape if your names Donna haha :P When we returned the other sister had finally left and me and Lee jumped on the just dance and had a laugh LOL.
So for the rest of this week, I'm planning on relaxing, well after I've brought a new canvas, gave the studio a second coat and moved all the furniture back in there. Then it'll probably be back to work time :( wow where did my week go!
What have you guys been upto? Did you have a street party for the jubilee? I watched the concert but my street don't really do the neighborly friendly thing LOL.
Fill me in with your news!
Anyway, reading this back, I dont think its my best blog ever, it's a bit jumpy and disjointed, but hey that sentence pretty much sums up my week and feelings haha!
So I'll leave you now, hoping you've had a much more chilled, fun, long bank holiday and hope you share your new with me :) I'm off to watch hostel haha!
night guys xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I've been meaning to write a blog all week but just not got round to it. So here it is.
Your probably looking at this title thinking "what have you been ill?" my answer would be "in a way, I guess" As some of you might know, I suffer from anxiety attacks and kind of a fear of crowds of people. I've let it run my life quite alot. I've missed funerals, hen nights, work meetings. I don't go on dates and avoid being stuck with new people like the plague!
It makes me feel like a freak and I'm forever saying to my family "I just want to be normal, at least just feel normal" It really really gets me down. I've been offered hypnosis by my uncle and have considered going to the doctors to seek help, but how can I do that when the thought of going there makes me feel ill! Also I'm determined to make myself better on my own. I'm turning stubborn lol. Don't worry this isn't going to be a really negative post.
As the title would suggest I think I've made steps, yay!!
Monday I had a course to do for work and to say I was dreading it would be an understatement! The last time I was in a massive group of strangers like that, was college. When on the fist day I was in the corridor and some dickhead (JP Goodard yes u) refused to call me Donna, I was just called Sick girl for half a year. Maybe that was the starting point of my problems.
I spent the weekend feeling dreadful. I had the nieces round and wasnt in a very fun auntie mood. I was psychically sick and was in full panic mood. By sunday night I was at my worst and hitting the Imodium and throwing up! gross I know but I'm just painting a picture for you all lol. I was wishing I'd wake up with some bad illness or could find a way to clone a more confident me and send them instead lol. But no such luck :(
Monday morning came and to my surprise I didn't feel nervous or scared, I did say to my mum "I wonder if a car could just hit me a little bit, not enough to injure me, but enough to shake me up so they send me home" lol but that was just in fun. As i cycled towards burnt mill secondary school (where the course was being held) I must admit I felt myself getting slower and slower. as I walked through the gate I did get a flash of OMG turn around I cant do this!!! run run!!! but I thought if I quit now they'll just reschedule it and I'll have to go through all this again. I walked into the huge reception area and thought do you know what, this isnt too bad! When I turned up to the small classroom there was 21 other women, mostly from burnt mill, and I took my seat and was fine. I listened to hour apon hour of food safety stuff, learnt all about bacteria's and all that great stuff. I even had to do an exam at the end! Lunch came along and the thought of making small talk with these strangers made me feel a little iffy but I did it, I GOT THROUGH IT! I even bumped into a old college friend who i haven't seen since I was about 18! we eve had a little chat lol.
Those six hours left me feeling so good! this whole week I've just felt like yay I conquered a HUGE fear. I dunno if I'm cured but its a big step forward. I kinda feel like I could go shopping on my own and chat to more people. In fact just today (Friday) I was chatting away to a women at work, that I never talk to, like we've been friends for ages! I really really REALLY hope this is the road to recovery. I've got to try and remember that my imagination is so much worse then reality and just not freak out. I'm not getting any younger and I want kids. Thats not gonna happen while I'm like this. I need my life back and I need it back now.
What do you reckon? road to recovery or not? Leave me a message to see what you think :)
I'd love to hear from you guys! I kinda feel proud of myself, I know it's really stupid and shitty to feel proud about going to a course but I do lol :P
Who knows maybe in a few months time I'll be blogging about a fabulous date I had or exciting places I've been! heres hoping lol.
Take care and speak soon a very happy Don xxx