....Everytime I do it makes me laugh......"
Nickleback right there LOL.
I was thinking back to my last blog post and decided it was time to actually use my birthday present.
My lil sister Lee brought me a scrap book type thing, with a blank canvas cover. She said I could fill it with all things I've do this year, so that I can see how far I've come with my battle to overcome my anxiety.
Well when she gave it to me she'd done half a page and printed off afew photos lol.
I've got as far as march so and I love the idea of looking back, when I have a anxiety day and saying "get over yourself, look at what your done so far"
I've painted the front cover with black and white trees- to represent the dark place i was in- wondering through the wilderness and the back cover is a sunset over the ocean- to represent the bright future I hopefully have in front of me.
I just will share photos of the covers soon, but for now I wanted to leave you with a page I made. This ones from my 30th.
Brace yourselves this shows you just how geeky I really am. The side I hide away lol.
Are you ready???
Yep that is my take on comic book lol.
My inner geek is well and truly out there now :P
Anyway thats all for today, bye :)
A change has began!!!
We are only 27 days into 2013 and I feel better and more confident then ever!
It started on the first day back to work with what I was told was a meeting. Turns out it was a course. As regular readers might know, a meeting normally fills with me dread and the thought of it being a course would normally tip me over the edge lol. Not this time.
Sunday night came and I felt a little bit down about going back to a meeting, especially after I was told everything might change (see blog about work lol) but wasn't ill or anything like i usually am.
Monday morning I got up, dressed and cycled to work, without a second thought or bad feeling. I got to the school about 2 mins late and took my seat at the back. The new head introduced herself and explained that today wasn't a meeting, it was in fact a course. She introduced this other lady who started of saying we should do an ice breaker first- people bingo. A game where you received a sheet of paper with different things like- someones whose a vegetarian and who drives a silver car, who has twins in the family etc- you then had to go round asking others to sign one that sounded like them -you get the idea. Well anyway my brain screamed "nooooooo we're not doing that shit" but I just got up and strolled around chatting to people I didn't know. That inner voice I always give into was shouting "sit down, who the hell do you think you are? WTF are you playing at" but somehow I switched it off. I know even I'm amazed haha.
After that we were told to move into groups with people we don't work closely with. My boss refused to move, so I bite the bullet and switched seats. I had a little around and thought that table is too icy ( two of them are kinda at war at the moment) , that table has the new head and some governers on it, when I finally found a nice table, we were ready to start. The subject of the course-safe guarding the children against abuse! Pretty heavy topic for 9 o'clock on a monday. It was filled with loads of (you guessed it) group activities and chats about what we just learnt. And you know what I wasn't fazed, I just chatted along. I practically floated home, feeling so normal! I was excited told mum and her responce was "i've actually noticed you changing for the last few months, so I'm not surprised, I'm proud of you"
It's carried along at work too, I've been making much more of an effort to talk to everyone, including the new guys. I've also been to the cinema twice with my sister. A normal everyday thing that you guys probably think, wow big deal, but I haven't been in about 10 years, I've even made excuses when either of my sisters have invited me. Like "I don't want to go with you and your bf" "oh I'm busy I've got work to do" Anything so I couldn't go. The thought of sitting in a small cinema with a bunch of strangers, isn't exactly one of my favorite things LOL. I hate enclosed spaces and crowds! The first film was The Impossible, it was packed, Orange wednesday so loads of people like me getting in free haha. But I didn't care I didn't panic, even though my sister was saying if you need to leave let me know and we'll go. The film was great but so sad! the following week we saw "Les Miserables" no-where near as busy on a thursday and I still wasn't fazed just excited to finally see if it lived up to the hype......it more then did! It was amazing!!! what wasn't amazing was walking home at 11.30pm in the cold and on the ice because we couldn't get a lift. Me and my lil sis are even planning to take a trip to the theater to see something. I think she's glad I'm building myself up so she has a show buddy lol. My other sister is also looking for what we can do to celebrate my 30th with a show or abit of stand up :)
I'm feeling so much better and I just hope it lasts. I feel like I've had my life on hold for the whole of my 20's and I'm starting to claw it back. Like I'm gaining some kind of control on my anxiety and as my title says "for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic" (Thank you Paramore for that title, I only borrowed it :P )
Don't get me wrong, I still have alot of self doubts and I'm not expecting this good turn to last long, I'm sure there's going to be some hurdle to trip me up soon. One little thing that creeps up and wipes away all my good work! But for now I'm just gonna enjoy feeling like a normal person for a change and do all the things I've stopped myself doing. That little negative voice is still there saying "whats the point of trying, people will hate you or you'll get hurt" but I think I have him on mute right now and it feels AWESOME!!! lol. Next stop Silverstone!
So for now I need to focus on getting this painting finished, cake making and trying to my costume made for my birthday haha. So if I disappear for most of February you'll now why.
Till next time stay safe and keep smiling :)
From Donna xxxxx
Current mood: optimistic!
Now listening to: Hey Ho- the luminees - such a great tune :)
5 things I'm loving this week.
1. Les Miserables - Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman are heartbreaking and Russell crowe wasn't as bad as I expecting.
2. Orange wednesdays- Who doesn't love freebies lol
3. Nieces random requests- Angel to me "Can you buy me a Gangnam style blanket?" leading to about half an hour of googleing merchandise with her lol
4. Biffy Clyro- new album out now I'm so excited :)
5. Calvin Harris feat Tinie Tempah- Drinking out the bottle- I love it makes me dance while painting :)
5 things I'm hating this week.
1. Snow -I'm over it now, bring on the summer!
2. Surprise toothache- sitting there chilling out and bang heres a surprise toothache lol
3. Keys not working on your laptop- Utterly annoying!
4. You've been framed- my dad is obsessed its on every day!!!!
5. Alicia Keys- Girl on fire- still hate it and my nieces love it so sing it all the time!
This is a special little blog post tonight.
I always tend to focus on the negative so I thought I'd take this opportunity to focus on what matters to me! So this blog is my way of saying thanks!
As you guys know I have an ongoing problem, that I struggle with. One that I never opened up and shared with anyone. I didn't want to admit to myself that I had a problem, let alone anyone else! I thought people would just think I was an idiot.
Mum said she always knew something was wrong, she's great at reading the signs on a bad day and knowing when I've had enough. She's been a great support. Patient through all the tears and sick. She's run to the shop to buy emergency Imodium just to get me to leave the house. She even turned me puking on some guys car into a joke (the bloke was sitting in it btw) lol. She's my rock and my best friend. I'd be lost with out her :)
My other family support is my sister Emma (mother of my gorgeous nieces) Now this support shocked me because we didnt always get along. It took years and took me dropping my grudge, but we're finally close :)
Emma's been great, she's like mum saying "come on nothings gonna happen to you, they'd have to get through us first" There the kind of support that don't let you take the easy way out and wont leave me behind. Even through Im forever keeping them waiting when we're off out. More then that Emma tells me "It's nice to have you actually out with us for once" Which is always nice to hear. They're both proud of what I call "stupid achievements" like mangering to go to shopping and that means alot. They both mean the world to me, not that I tell them enough. Until now ::P
I'd love to tell you all my family are this supportive but I'd be lying. I'd say the rest don't see this as a problem. They see me as a drama queen, who needs to grow up and get over it. Easier said then done right!? At least that's what I feel like they're thinking. They don't realise quite how hard I find normal every day things that they find so easy! If I don't want to go to places, I'm just being lazy or boring. It hurts that they don't get it, get me, but I'll live and focus on the ones that do!
Which brings me onto my final thank you.
My twitter family. When I first joined twitter I never really tweeted anyone and think I just joined to see what all the fuss was about. I certainly didn't expect to be opening up to a bunch of strangers or even writing this blog! I thought you'd all laugh at me and think what a freak *presses the unfollow button*
A certain Miss C inspired the blog writing, so you can blame her for all my rambling lol. Now I get why she loves it so much and how it can actually help you. So thanks hun :)
The support you guys have shown me, with tweets and messages about this blog, has been overwhelming. Your support mixed with my family, is really helping me push myself. It's funny because one of my biggest fears is essentially what I'm doing here! Talking to a group of strangers! Some have you have even shared your problems with me and it means alot that you'd confined in me too.
Last year a group of the F1LunchClub followers wanted to meet up at silverstone. I lied when I said I couldnt go because I was working. It was my anixety and the whole group thing that stopped me, but who knows maybe in a year or two that might be a reality. Or even better the opening of my own exhibition, in some swanky galley. I'd love that! :)
Anyway I've rambled enough, I just wanted to let you all know that I very much apperiate all the back up I get :)
YOU GUYS ROCK!!!
Love a very grateful Donna xxxxxxxxx
5 things I'm loving this week
1. Small achievements- I went shopping brought loads for myself, but for the first time in ages I felt normal and didnt panic- thanks mummy!
2. Fruit + Veg- my produce are growing so big now :)
3. Pet harmony- The space monster ( the cat) looks like shes finally backing down and getting used to bear! (the dog)
4. A hint of summer- today (tuesday) saw a nice sunny DRY day lol
5. Here's to us- by Halestorm- I first heard it on glee and loved that but this version is even better :)
5 things I'm hating this week
1.Still being ill- me, mum, Emma and Isabelle are still bloody ill :(
2. Rain- so over all this rain and still having a hosepipe ban.....how lol.
3. The thugs that beat up the 94 old lady as she sleep- Its utterly disgusting!
4. How long there is till my holiday- I'm excited now it's all booked and almost paid for! hurry up August!
5. carly rae jepsen- call me maybe- I don't want to like it but its so bloody catchy its annoying now!
not my photo!