Firstly Hi how are you guys? is there anyone left reading? lol
It's been so long since I blogged last and I'm sorry about that.
The end of last year was quite manic and the beginning of this year has been a tough one.

I started this blog, as you know, mainly as a diary and a release for thoughts and feelings that I was experiencing. In a way, I thought putting it all out there would force me to deal with my issues. I'm pleased to say that does seem to be the case! I really really do feel like I've made massive steps forward. This time last year I was in wembley stadium singing along to the Killers with nearly 90 thousand other people. Who would have thought that when I started this blog? 

This is not the reason for my absence. I wish I could tell you travelling the world and having the time of my life, is what has kept me away, but I'd be lying sadly. 
There has been a lot of stress and change in both mine and my families lives. There have been alot of down moments in this last six months and through it all I've thought "blog about it, it'll help you come to terms with everything that's happening" but ironically I couldn't. It's something that has a effect on me but isn't my story to tell. It could have been much more damaging to actually have shared my thoughts lol. So sorry for being so vague but this wasn't the place to share. Losing this outlet I think really did hit me hard. So I did miss you all.

Anyway I don't want to make this blog all doom and gloom. I just wanted to let you all know I'm still alive and kicking. Anyone that's still reading I'd love to hear your gossip, what have I missed? any news?

To make up for nearly a year of just writing drafts, Ii thought I'd do kind of a getting to know you blog. I thought I'd share 8 things you don't know about me :)
I hope anyone that reads will add their 8 things in the comments too. You know sharing lol :P

1: I'm obsessed with all things paranormal. 
Ok so a few of you may know this. I have a ever growing book list of paranormal books sat on my kindle. I love anything from zombies to ghosts but my total fav is vampires. I think it all started with buffy, I had the biggest crush on Angel in that programme lol. My obsession has spilled over into my décor in my bedroom as I currently have a vampire print, a skull and a saw puppet all sat on my dressing table. I think it's starting to get noticeable for my nieces. As Angel drew me as a vampire, with quite afew fangs :P lol.

2. I'm completely unreligious.
So non-religious I was banned from studying R.E at school lol. Now I was a good student, never got in trouble but yes I was banned. We had a lesson that my mum didn't agree in and she wrote in a letter of complaint. Now I'm not sure if it was letter or the fact I said I didn't believe in any of that nonsense that got me banned but I wasn't gutted that's for sure!I grew up with a mum that does have a certain amount of faith but never tried to make us believe or ram it down our throats, I'm grateful for that and deffo don't feel like I'm missing anything not having a god to lead me! 

3: I cry at most films.
I'm not a massive crier in normal day to day life. I'm much more of a bottle it all up and deffo don't cry in public, kinda person. So much so that once my sister called me heartless and in fact questioned if i even had a heart. (hence me wanted to change) But put a sad film on and I will ball my eyes out like a baby lol. A few that made cry include: My sisters keeper, About time (so bloody funny and massively sad) and P.s i love you. It doesn't even have to be a sad film, just a sweet moment in a feel good film start me off. Don't even get me started on the animated movie Up lol!  

4. I'd love to play a victim in a horror film.
I'm a big horror nut. Any horror film has to be watched and have seen my fair share of bad movies (yes slither I'm talking about you). Both my sisters are just as bad and we regularly still get together to watch horrors or have movie night sleep overs. So it'll come as no surprise that it's always been a lil secret dream of both me and my lil sis to be a victim in a horror movie. Personal favs would be Saw or Wrong turn. I'd also love to play a corpse in CSI.

5. My lil sister Lee is turning me into abit of a geek.
Ok so I admit I was a geek already (In alot of ways I see myself abit like Leonard in the big bang theory or Jess in new girl--just minus the glasses)  I already watched my fair share of geekier movies like The spirit, Scott Pilgrim vs the world and Kick Ass ( i love them)  But she's dragged me into the world of marvel. It started when Thor: the dark world was due out. She wanted to watch and as Chris hemsworth in massively hot I agreed, but Lee said i had to do it right and start with iron man and away we went, night after night till I was all caught up! Now I can't get enough and have even got the t-shirt as proof lol. 
Pic below is me and my other sister Emma at our nephews Pokemon birthday party last month.

6. I once tried to commit suicide.
A slightly sadder one here, but hey not all secrets are fun or light hearted. I was about 17/18 and my family was going a really time, about 3 years of rough patch. I basically had enough or everything that was going on and was getting quite depressed. I felt like the only people I could talk about it with was my family. But how could you talk about it with them when its effecting them as well. At that time I began to withdraw and step away from friends, work mates and ended up feeling alone. I was trying to deal with past demons, with the new stress and uncertainty about which direction my future was going in, had left me really down. One day as I went out I had this thought that said "I could make all this go away with one step into that road" and that's what I tired! I was deadly serious at that time but as the car sped towards me I thought of my family and how selfish I was being, trying to add to their stress. I ran back and swore to never try again. I'm not saying that I never thought those thoughts again, I HAVE! quite alot, even to these later years but I know I'm never gonna try it again. I've tried to find anew way of coping A.K.A this blog and actually opening up more lol. So now I feel so much better.

7. when i was younger i wanted to be a actress.
You may find that strange as I'm shy and quiet and suffer with anxiety but it's always been a dream there in the background. I've had loads of career paths I've wanted to do like Journalism and photography but art and acting were always there in the forefront of my mind. It started from school, when I had to pick what to study for my GCSE'S drama was a big option for me. I chickened out because i didn't know anyone else doing that lesson. but I kinda regret not trying, I would probably have sucked but hey lol.
8. im kind of obsessed with online personality quizzes.
You know  the ones what ninja turtle are you? lol. I blame the site PlayBuzz lol and alike. Whenever I'm bored I go on there lol. The bad thing is though every time I get all the dark, you need to live more results lol

Thanks for reading. If you fancy leave me a lil comment with 8 things about you or any news and gossip :)
take care till next time (which will hopefully be alot sooner lol)
bye bye
My lovely Twitter buddy and fellow blogger, Jamie Tucker Dougan, does alot of blog challenges and has tagged me in he's most recent one. So I thought why not share it with you guys.

This challenge was to think of your 5 favourite driving songs!

Now although I don't drive, never even had so much as a lesson, I have literally just got home from holiday. A lovely week here in the beautiful UK lol. As it was a two hour drive I did make a special driving CD. Filled with songs that had to suit mum, dad, my sister, as well as songs I loved. So this challenge came at the right time!
I've chose my 5 from songs that were actually on my cd lol.

1. Meatloaf~ Bat outta hell
Every drive needs a family sing along song! 
What better then Meatloaf, you can't not sing along to bat out of hell, it's THE driving song of all time! 

2. The Killers  ~ Mr brightside 
Well come on what did you expect, this is me lol.
Can't say the parents enjoyed this as much as me and Lee did. I have heard dad utter the words "What is this shit?" while I was painting to this song, but hey I love it. It's one of those songs that you recognize from the first bar and instantly puts me in a good mood and gets me dancing around. What's better then that?

3. Queen ~ Bohemian Rhapsody
I stole Tuckers song here but we were about 30 mins away from yarmouth and this came on and we had a so much fun!! we sang along and had a fab head bang to the instrumental bit LOL. That's how the Quick's roll haha.
Although we don't really need to be driving to join in, we pretty much do it where ever we hear it :P 

4. Nena ~ 99 red balloons 
This might seem like a strange pick. But I love this song! How can this song not make you smile? 
I wasn't 100% sure what the official video was, so instead heres scrubs lol If its good enough to be JD's happy song, then its good enough for me :P That may even be how I dance to it lol 

5. Black eyed peas ~ Pump it.
So lastly I struggled to think of which one it should be. We had 5 cd's worth of songs to remember so I really had to rack my brains here (this was meant to have a easier way of doing the challenge lol) 
This song had every one dancing and singing along, well apart from dad, but he was driving and wouldn't even sing a word of Queen lol.  
So what did you think of my top 5? How about you comment with yours below?

Have a look at the lovely Tuckers blog post here  
And while your at it why not check out he's stories, as hes a awesome author as well :) 
Till next time guys,
Donna xxx

Don't try and take this from me                                                               Now ~ow~ow~ow~ow~ow~ow
Feels like I'm waking from the dead
And everyone's been waitin' on me
'Least now I'll never have to wonder what it's like to sleep a year away,

But were we indestructible
I thought that we could brave it all
I never thought that what would take me out was hiding down below,

Lost the battle, win the war
I'm bringing my sinking ship back to the shore
We're starting over, or head back in
There's a time and a place to die but this ain't it

If there's a future, we want it
Firstly sorry for the massive delay in-between posts and again and sorry for the long song lyrics, but they say more about how I've been feeling then I could ever write!

Afew weeks ago my sister bumped into my nan and auntie and they were talking about me getting out and about more. 
They have known of my "little issues" for quite a while. Like when they see everyone else and I'm not there, it becomes noticeable and there's only so much excuses people can make, before you have to tell the truth!  

Anyway, honest truth here they actually said to her "well done Lee, you've done so well getting her out and about, lucky you came home" !!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean what? come on give me a break here!! I'm not saying I've made all this progress alone. My family have been a massive help and support but come on give me some credit! I had to finally want to get over this problem and sort myself out, my family couldn't do that for me. 

Don't think I'm being mean to sister or dissing her at all her, far from it..she's helped big time, everyone has! she's not who got my back up!     

My family have always asked me to go out to all different places and I've constantly said no or chicken out at the last minute after they have waited around for hours, leaving them to go without me. Them annoyed for wasting so much time and me alone indoors, annoyed that I've been a let down and pissed everyone off. They have also seen the signs when its got to much for me, like in a crowded card shop for instance, mum would notice my discomfort and say do you wanna go somewhere else?. They couldn't have helped me more, but I had to WANT to make that change, NEED  to take that leap and look at myself ad go "Come on Donna sort for fucking self out"

I'ts not been easy at all and I'm bound to have slip up along the way and have people trying to knock me down, but I'm getting there slowly step by step! 
What annoyed me was I had only seen my nan a little while before hand she wasn't that interested really when I was telling her about my art work and how well I'm doing, the places I've been and plans I had. In fact she was a lil patronizing about it really. I'm not saying I need to be constantly patted on the back and told well done all the time, but don't give credit to someone else!!

It played on mind quite alot, made mum so angry and Lee must know it would upset me as she hasn't told me. (mum did, to relieve her anger and coz I had a right to know) It did make me feel like I'd taken a few steps back. This was just before my biggest leap to date (which I will blog about next post) and for a few days before I had doubts on if I was ready or not. Im the space of to days my mood went from "yay I'm so excited, It's gonna be amazing" to "Can I do this? Am I ready? is it too late to chicken out?" 
What gives my family members the right to make me feel that way? They must have known Lee would tell my mum, therefore I would find out! What do people get out of doing that?     

Lee may have been in nearly all big moment this year but that's because she's they only one who has the mix of the time and money to do these things with me at the moment. My close family (mum, sisters and dad) have been behind me all the way propping me up and for that I'm eternally thankful for and hope it doesn't stop. 
Is it any wonder we're so close and so distance to the rest of the family!

Anyway that's rant over and done with, what do you guys think? Have I over reacted? I know I sound like angsty teenage moaning about how "no body understands me" but it really did knock me for six abit and I thought long on hard about weather or not to post this, but I think sometimes you need that release, isn't that what this is for?   

Promise my next blog will be more positive and less moaning lol.
For no I'll leave you with Paramore singing my title song! 
Feel free to leave me a comment below, even if that comments "Donna sort your self out you annoying bitch" lol.

Until next time 
Hi everyone,                                                                                               Just a short blog today to say I've started a new blog site. I'll still be keeping this one, but for the more personal stuff like the things I post now. The new one will be for the more fun, random things, like music, films, fashion and reviews.                                                              I love having this out let to vent, share my frustrations and have a good moan. It's helped me more then you or I probably know. So it's not going anywhere!! I just thought the random stuff kinda jarred with the personal stuff, so thought why not separate them :)  I hope you will come and join me over at Quicks stuff  too. At the mo I've just finished my first review!    Also if this post or any posts on the other site or twitter, for that matter, look a lil strange etc, then i apologize as I have computer issues :( My cat spilled  a drink over my laptop and even through, me and Lee, took it apart and dried and cleaned it. I'm left with a enter, backspace and hyphen key that won't work. Also I think it may have become possessed as every so often I get this happen: [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ but with the closed brackets key. The key thats not even working if I press it!!!!!   spooky lol.                                         It's driving me mad, earlier i was writing my review looked down and a had a page of this...........you ready.....................                                                                                     [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ which as you can see is annoying LOL not to mention the fact then when I tried to delete it, it took away everything I'd just wrote with it! :(                                                Anyway, it's late and this computer is about to feel what its like to fly, so I'll leave you all for now :)                                                                                                 Take care and don't forget to check out my other blog.                                                  If anyone has any help on how to sort my laptop issues, I'd be very grateful and love you for ever LOL.                                                                                             D
....Everytime I do it makes me laugh......"
Nickleback right there LOL.

I was thinking back to my last blog post and decided it was time to actually use my birthday present.
My lil sister Lee brought me a scrap book type thing, with a blank canvas  cover. She said I could fill it with all things I've do this year, so that I can see how far I've come with my battle to overcome my anxiety.

Well when she gave it to me she'd done half a page and printed off afew photos lol.
I've got as far as march so and I love the idea of looking back, when I have a anxiety day and saying "get over yourself, look at what your done so far" 
I've painted the front cover with black and white trees- to represent the dark place i was in- wondering through the wilderness and the back cover is a sunset over the ocean- to represent the bright future I hopefully have in front of me.
I just will share photos of the covers soon, but for now I wanted to leave you with a page I made. This ones from my 30th.

Brace yourselves this shows you just how geeky I really am. The side I hide away lol.
Are you ready??? 

Yep that is my take on comic book lol.
My inner geek is well and truly out there now :P

Anyway thats all for today, bye :)
Donna xxxxxxxxxxx
...don't you think
A little too ironic......and, yeah, I really do think..."

    One of my all time favourite songs and one of my favourite singers right there! 
But never before have those lyrics actually meant anything to me.
I was cycling on my way to work, when I thought I haven't wrote a blog in like, 2 months!! 
I was trying to think what was the last thing I wrote about (my mind drifts off like that sometimes, no wonder I don't want to learn to drive lol) and I swear I thought "isn't ironic that now I have things to blog about, I've completely forgot I even have a blog.....yeah, I really do think" lol
It's like I turned 30 and went fuck it I don't need this anymore and it's not true. Truth is I've just been busy enjoying myself and haven't had the time to update it. Making up for lost time has a lot to answer for lol.

So what have I been upto since my last blog? 
    Well I turned 30 and celebrated it, in a nice mature way- dressed up as a teenage ninja mutant turtle,  naturally I was Donatello (See photos for pics). It was 80s themed and as we were tomboys growing up, we loved that show so it was a no brainer. 

    As a birthday present, Lee brought tickets for us to see Les Mis at the theater. I was amazing, everyone was so good and we couldn't decide if the film or stage version was better, we just loved both!  It's still as emotional as the film- even when you know whats going to happen, Lee cried loads, she's such a softie. Defiantly got me abit hooked on shows now. 
    Me and Lee also took our niece Angel out for a day trip. 
When I was asking her where she wanted to go she replied "on the train like you and Lee Lee" As Broxbourne Paradise wildlife park was only 9 minutes away from Harlow, it was perfect. Our other sister Emma dropped lil Angel off to us at the train station at 10.30am and we got her home around 7pm!! It was bloody freezing but we all had a great day. Angel had asked to see dinosaurs so we went on this tiny train to see afew plastic noisy dinosaurs and they made her cry lol. She also was a lil worried about walking past the lion as she thought it wasn't behind glass. She kept pulling me back saying "he wont eat us will he?" She loved the otters though.  We even watched a show in there about animal training, partly to get out of the cold and partly to make the most of our day. 
Angels so funny and makes me want a kid when shes around :) 
I was a little bit freaked out before we went, as I never had that responsibility before and it was a bit of a scary thought - babysitting is so different lol. But the good thing is I was fine as soon as we got on the train :) Angels now decided we need more trips and has to go on the train again lol.
     The following Saturday we went to the opening night show of Carnaby street the musical. We didn't really know what to expect apart from that it was going to have 30 songs from the 60s. 
We started the day doing a monopoly hunt around London (finding and photographing the places on the board) but got distracted by shopping lol well we are girls haha. When we'd finished we had a mad dash to the other side of London. We got to Hackney Empire theater at 7.25, just in time for our 7.30 show. I really loved the whole show, the cast were amazing and it didn't matter that one of the lead actors had to mime because he was ill, it was a funny show filled with great songs that everyone would know. Some of the 60's reference did go over our heads a bit but hey we are children of the 80's :P 
Lee sang along from the first song and by the second half I had gave in to temptation and joined her. The last 10 mins or so is a party, where they do a medley of songs from the show. They invite you all to stand up and sing and dance along with them. We were seated in row B and at first I thought I can't dance while they're looking, but soon enough I was dancing and at one point we even air guitar-ed LOL. I think I may have been enjoying myself a bit to much as one of the actors pointed at me and said "I see ya" lol so embarrassing but cool. We even shared the train home with 3 of the actors (Verity Rushworth, Aaron Sidwell and Tricia Adele-Turner) 
If you can catch it on they're tour, it's deffo worth going, check out the website here If you don't come out smiling, then there's something wrong with you lol.
     I've had two family birthdays to (my niece Ruby and my dads) and afew more cinema trips- I deffo need to get a unlimited card I think now LOL. I also need to get some ID as I went to see evil dead the remake- as me and my sisters are massive horror fans and got asked how old I was!!!! It's an 18 I'm 30!!! As I don't have ID I was lucky she just took my word for it- after a lot of hesitation! 

Anyway that's me all caught up, I promise I won't leave it another two months before I blog again! 
At the moment I doing a countdown as in June I'm taking my biggest step so far. I'm going to Wembley stadium to see my fav band in the whole world...........The Killers!!!! I've not been to a gig since I was 15 and that was to see 5ive! haha and it was one of those, collect the chocolate bar wrappers to go competitions! So long over due but as it holds 90 thousand people, It's a pretty big test to see if I'm over it yet! 

Oh yeah before I go, just one bit of arty news, I've just started selling prints. After my Senna V Hamilton painting drew so much attention! So far I've sold one as a trail run :)

See you next time guys, 
have fun in the sun,
Donna xxxxxxxxx
now playing: If I stray- Frank Turner

Me and Lee on the London eye!
The road t o recovery continues :) 

Before I begin this blog, Let me recap for you: As you know my anixety has run my life for far to long, leaving me feeling abnormal and down, while locking myself away. Well not anymore!!!!
Last month I took huge steps forward, I managed a course/meeting, including ice breaking tasks and loads of group discussions with people I didn't know, all without feeling sick or well bothered at all! I had 2 trips to the cinema (The impossible and Les Miserables) something I've not done in about 10 years or more! So I have been feeling pretty pleased! (You can hear all about that in the previous blog)

Well this month, the month I will finally reach 30 I've taken a pretty big leap instead of a step lol.

It started with a day trip to London, my first ever train ride! ( I know that's pretty shocking LOL)  I was excited all week..............until Saturday  I'm not too proud to say I did have a freak out when I woke up. I felt sick and in a bad mood. Walking to the train station with my lil sister Lee, I felt like I was being taken to the slaughter house or something haha I'm not being over dramatic here, that is how I felt, filled with so much dread. I was fine as soon as the train started, just focused on watching the world go by out the window. As soon as we hit Liverpool station my nerves and anxiety had pretty much gone, just as I knew they would. Why is the anticipation far worse then the actual event? I always know that 9 out of 10 times I will be fine when I get there.
I managed to talk my sister into visiting the National Portrait Gallery, as it's a dream I have to enter my work in one of their competitions :) She was a bit bored but went along with it, imagining my artwork in there one day. We took a trip to M&M world, Lee's favorite place in the whole of London LOL. We had a nice walk around covent Garden market and China town and ended our trip with a ride on the London eye! It was amazing at night and surprisingly I wasn't fazed with the fact there was about 20 of us in our lil pod. No feelings of claustrophobia or freaking out! It was a fab end to our day out :) 
     Since then I've had another trip to the cinema (get me the dirty stop out LOL) this time me and Lee watched Warm Bodies. It was so good and alot of fun! Nicolas Hoult was so funny "nailed it" LOL - if you've not seen the film, that wont mean anything to you haha!
I have to say while watching it I did feel a lil connection. 
*spoiler alert* What I got from the film is, they started to become alive again when they started to feel abit of hope and love. I came away from the cinema thinking "my god that's the same as me" I feel like for the whole of my 20's I walked around  lost and zombie like and know I'm finally feeling human and normal again, now I've started to put myself out there!
The feeling is amazing, I kinda feel like I'm regaining my life back! 
I have a week of work this week, just what i need after a stressful busy week, but I wont go int o that as I want to try and keep it positive LOL. 
In this week off, I have a trip to the queens theater in London to see Les Mis, my first theater trip since school haha. A meal with the family- for my birthday- something I have never done as I have a thing about eating in public. Probably because I was bullied and called anixeric all through secondary school! I always have 2 birthday parties, one for my nieces 7th birthday and one for my 30th (a fancy dress 80 themed party) 
So I'll loads to tell you next month.
Hope your all doing good and enjoying yourselves,
I'll leave you with some lyrics that sum up how I'm feeling, much better then I could ever describe LOL

"Fill my head with the future,
Fill my eyes with the sky,
Whole of my life I've been left behind,
But I've never felt more alive!"
                                                                   Jake Bugg- Taste it.
Right now I'm feeling so happy and excited about what's to come. 
Catch you guys later,
Feel free to leave me a comment or message with what you guys are upto, I love that :)
From Donna xxxxxx
P.s I've uploaded some london pics in my photos!
Now Listening to: I am disappeared- Frank Turner, bloody love it lol.
Mood: Excited! 
A change has began!!!  
We are only 27 days into 2013 and I feel better and more confident then ever! 

It started on the first day back to work with what I was told was a meeting. Turns out it was a course. As regular readers might know, a meeting normally fills with me dread and the thought of it being a course would normally tip me over the edge lol. Not this time.

Sunday night came and I felt a little bit down about going back to a meeting, especially after I was told everything might change (see blog about work lol) but wasn't ill or anything like i usually am.  
Monday morning I got up, dressed and cycled to work, without a second thought or bad feeling. I got to the school about 2 mins late and took my seat at the back.  The new head introduced herself and explained that today wasn't a meeting, it was in fact a course. She introduced this other lady who started of saying we should do an ice breaker first- people bingo. A game where you received a sheet of paper with different things like- someones whose a vegetarian and who drives a silver car, who has twins in the family etc-  you then had to go round asking others to sign one that sounded like them -you get the idea. Well anyway my brain screamed  "nooooooo we're not doing that shit" but I just got up and strolled around chatting to people I didn't know. That inner voice I always give into was shouting "sit down, who the hell do you think you are? WTF are you playing at" but somehow I switched it off. I know even I'm amazed haha. 
After that we were told to move into groups with people we don't work closely with. My boss refused to move, so I bite the bullet and switched seats. I had a little around and thought that table is too icy ( two of them are kinda at war at the moment) , that table has the new head and some governers on it, when I finally found a nice table, we were ready to start. The subject of the course-safe guarding the children against abuse! Pretty heavy topic for 9 o'clock on a monday. It was filled with loads of (you guessed it) group activities and chats about what we just learnt. And you know what I wasn't fazed, I just chatted along. I practically floated home, feeling so normal! I was excited told mum and her responce was "i've actually noticed you changing for the last few months, so I'm not surprised, I'm proud of you" 
It's carried along at work too, I've been making much more of an effort to talk to everyone, including the new guys. I've also been to the cinema twice with my sister. A normal everyday thing that you guys probably think, wow big deal, but I haven't been in about 10 years, I've even made excuses when either of my sisters have invited me. Like "I don't want to go with you and your bf" "oh I'm busy I've got work to do" Anything so I couldn't go. The thought of sitting in a small cinema with a bunch of strangers, isn't exactly one of my favorite things LOL. I hate enclosed spaces and crowds! The first film was The Impossible, it was packed, Orange wednesday so loads of people like me getting in free haha. But I didn't care I didn't panic, even though my sister was saying if you need to leave let me know and we'll go. The film was great but so sad! the following week we saw "Les Miserables" no-where near as busy on a thursday and I still wasn't fazed just excited to finally see if it lived up to the hype......it more then did! It was amazing!!! what wasn't amazing was walking home at 11.30pm in the cold and on the ice because we couldn't get a lift. Me and my lil sis are even planning to take a trip to the theater to see something. I think she's glad I'm building myself up so she has a show buddy lol. My other sister is also looking for what we can do to celebrate my 30th with a show or abit of stand up :)

I'm feeling so much better and I just hope it lasts. I feel like I've had my life on hold for the whole of my 20's and I'm starting to claw it back. Like I'm gaining some kind of control on my anxiety and as my title says "for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic" (Thank you Paramore for that title, I only borrowed it :P ) 
Don't get me wrong, I still have alot of self doubts and I'm not expecting this good turn to last long, I'm sure there's going to be some hurdle to trip me up soon. One little thing that creeps up and wipes away all my good work! But for now I'm just gonna enjoy feeling like a normal person for a change and do all the things I've stopped myself doing. That little negative voice is still there saying "whats the point of trying, people will hate you or you'll get hurt" but I think I have him on mute right now and it feels AWESOME!!! lol. Next stop Silverstone! 
So for now I need to focus on getting this painting finished, cake making and trying to my costume made for my birthday haha. So if I disappear for most of February you'll now why.

Till next time stay safe and keep smiling :)
From Donna xxxxx
Current mood: optimistic! 
Now listening to: Hey Ho- the luminees - such a great tune :)

5 things I'm loving this week.

1. Les Miserables - Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman are heartbreaking and Russell crowe wasn't as bad as I expecting.
2. Orange wednesdays- Who doesn't love freebies lol
3. Nieces random requests- Angel to me "Can you buy me a Gangnam style blanket?" leading to about half an hour of googleing merchandise with her lol
4. Biffy Clyro- new album out now I'm so excited :)
5. Calvin Harris feat Tinie Tempah- Drinking out the bottle- I love it makes me dance while painting :)

5 things I'm hating this week.

1. Snow -I'm over it now, bring on the summer!
2. Surprise toothache- sitting there chilling out and bang heres a surprise toothache lol
3. Keys not working on your laptop- Utterly annoying!
4. You've been framed- my dad is obsessed  its on every day!!!!
5. Alicia Keys- Girl on fire- still hate it and my nieces love it so sing it all the time!
So 2013 is here at last and instead of thinking about the past, I'm focusing on looking forward :) 
To much of my life's been spent looking back, on things that I didn't do and chances that I've had and basically it's just a waste of time. You can't change these things, and to live your life on if's and but's is just pointless and stopping you moving forward! 
Well no more haha.
I follow Jared Leto on twitter and I saw this status he posted:

"First day of the year. What are doing right now to make sure your dreams become your reality?"
It really got me thinking! I want this to be the year everything changes for me! I turn 30 in february and think it's about time to get serious! I know your probably reading this going "yeah yeah yeah  we've head this so many times" but for the first time I actually mean it LOL. I need to stop talking about what I want/need to do and get it done. Like no more "I'll look into how I can get prints done of my artwork" or "I've got some ideas for a collection" and defiantly no more "When I'm brave enough I'm gonna start entering afew art competitions " I need to think like Jared Leto says.........what am I doing to make these dreams reality? that I don't really have an answer for at the moment LOL. maybe you guys can help me with that?! I'm open to suggestions haha. Who know's when I go back to work next week the outcome could be bad and it will force me to come up with a plan. What will be will be! 
            It's not just my art/ career I want to change. It's me in general. I feel like I am getting abit more confident or maybe that's just me feeling more comfortable with who I am for a change! I'm pretty much happy with how I look (well I've got to the stage where I think fuck it, this is what your stuck with-work with it LOL)  I think I'm a nice girl, but there's still work to be done! I'm abit of a door mat - that definitely needs to change! I give and give and get very little back. I've been ill alot this year too, probably more then I've noticed before- maybe its old age creeping in I don't know haha but I think it's been stress related.
I've been listening toalot of music while painting and one song keeps popping up, enimen- not afraid. The lyrics have been speaking to me........
 "But I think I'm still trying to figure this crap out,
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't,
this fucking black cloud, 
Still follows, me around but it's time to exorcise these demons, 
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now! ...
And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now! (now)" 
They pretty much sum up what I'm hoping to change about myself this year. In fact it's spot on lol. 
         So my new years resolution is not to worry so much! I believe in everything happens for a reason so why stress when things are going "Wrong" because there not wrong, there just taking me down a different road! 
         I would love to be writing a blog at the end of the year telling you all that I did everything in my power to make things happen! 
         Before I leave I would love to start the new year saying a massive thank you to everyone who reads this blog and writes to me on twitter, your support and words of encouragement have both helped me and overwhelmed me at times, so THANK YOU!!! 
Hope 2013 brings you all the love, luck and happiness you deserve, have a good one you lovely lot :) 

If you have any ideas to help me out or maybe share your wishes for 2013 leave me a comment below :) 
Take care and don't be a stranger!
Donna xxxxxxxxxxx 
Current mood: optimistic! 
Now listening to: Shake it out- Florence and the machine.....well its how I'm feeling right now, I'm shaking off my demons lol.

The Short Artist's awards!

I had so much fun with the "getting to know you music quiz" that I thought we could do a review of the year questionnaire :)
One word to sum up 2012.... Rollercoater! The year started off ok, got emotional in the summer for good reasons (makes a change) then got shitting by the end of the year :(
Song of the year:......  Either Fun we are young or Stay -Rihanna 
Album of the year..... Who else but the Killers- battle born! I waited ages to get my hands on there new Album and it didn't disappoint. 
Worst song of the year.......Girl on fire- Alisha keys or Call me maybe- Carly Rae Japsen Girl on fire I can't even tell you why I don't like it, it just grates on me lol and call me maybe is so bloody catchy!!! 
Highlight of the year....... Gotta be the Olympics and Paralympics! That was a once in a life time moment for us brits to witness. I cried so much in that one summer through joy and pride, I was exhausted lol. 
Personal highlight of the year....Erm I'm struggling for a stand out moment from this year but I think just the way my family and I have stuck together and laughed in the face of our problems really :)
Hero of the year....... So many choices this year, do you go for the queen? 60 years on the throne and still going strong. or Boris Johnson? the guys just hilarious! or any of the Olympicians? I'll narrow it down to 3. From my real life- the Quick Ladies- mum and Emma for going smoke free- yay!! and From the world of celebrity I'll go for Bradley Wiggins, he won the tour de France and won gold at the London Olympics- all with a couldn't care less attitude, which I loved.
Sports star of the year.....Again I could choose so many but I'm gonna go for a top 3! 
Number 3:  Gemma Gibbons- I normally wouldn't care about Judo but she was bloody amazing gaining that silver medal and when she looked up to the sky and whispered "I love you mum" it broke my heart! Number 2: Mo Farah - I've always been a big fan and my family cheered so loud when he won he's double gold medals!  and Number 1: Fernando Alonso.....Come on you knew it was gonna come Lol. He thought so hard this year and never gave up, so to get 2nd in the championship was amazing, especially as it was so close! 
Comeback of the year: .......Kimi Raikkonen who else! I've always been a massive fan so I was super excited for him to return and to get 3rd in the championship proves he hasn't lost it LOL.
Villain of the year.......Victoria Pendleton- I just don't like her LOL closely followed by my dad- he's been a total arse this year but then that's not surprising!
Twitter person of the year.........I could name so many of you guys that I've had fun with this year or that have encouraged me but I'll give it to the lovely Claire @button_rose1985, We have had THE most girly chats this year, everything from boys to fashion to stalkers LOL and she's opened my eyes to a world of fanfics- some I'd rather forget :P  
Unsung hero of the year...........Miss Chloe @mama_plus2! What this girl does is incredible! I won't go into details as I know she won't like that but she's amazing and doesn't get the credit she deserves.........plus I know she reads this LMAO :P 
and finally Crush of the year (those crushes you didn't even realize you had lol)........ Mines number one, Mark Cavendish -Ok so I might have always seen him as "that hot cyclist" but when he was with Jake for the cycling I think I paid more attention to him then the races lol. Those eyes, that smile- just makes you melt! And crush two - Jon Richardson- this kinda just creeped up on me LOL he was always someone I could relate to- always single, bit OCD etc but this year I think it's turned into a full blown crush!! even my mum calls him my future husband or long lost twin lol.

Your turn now guys, join in...................
Me doing the MoBot lol
See even Jake agrees he's hot :P
Hi guys, I'm so sorry I've completely abandoned my blog for a few months :( 
I've been really stressed and kinda just disappeared into my lil shell and dealt with on my own. I completely forgot I had a blog here to let of steam and throw my worries out there. 
I was also trying to finish a painting and then all the christmas stress lol.
 Let me just feel you in a lil bit on my stresses that I had. 

The head teacher at work is leaving and a new one is due to start. We were told we wasn't doing our jobs properly and that our contracts will end in the new year. It was kinda put in my mind that my job was at risk, so I  was very stressed as I've been there for 11 years. I was getting really stressed about it mainly because of my anxiety.  I just kept thinking how could I manage to find another job! This problem hasn't gone, I've not heard anything else good or bad about it, I'm just left in limbo until I go back, but I'm not really stressing about it now. Mainly because I'm not sure if I want to have my contract renewed!!! because.............
1.) I love my nieces and everything but since they started at the school I've probably had more stress then ever at work! 
2.)The gossiping has doubled in this last year and its getting seriously annoying now, I can't even get in the door without being questioned about family members or those loosey related to me!
3.) If I'm not pushed would I ever actually leave? this job was only meant to have been a "stay until something better comes along" job!
4.) If I didn't get a new contract, it could force me to actually take the step to work full time as a artist! Which as you know is the dream.
I'm a big believer in "everything happens for a reason"  so I know whatever happens it's for the best and was meant to happen! Don't get me wrong I will be gutted for a while if it does happen and I might panic and freak out for a while, but I know in the long run I'll be fine :)
    Anyway enough about work, we also had some new neighbours move in next door. About 5 young people all about 18 upwards, through nacro, and to say they have annoyed me would be a under statement LOL.  They have had so many parties and so much loud music! It's like they can sense when I'm off upstairs to paint because as soon as I set foot on the stairs, the music starts and I know I sound like a old lady right now but all you can hear is their music. I'm not just talking thump thump thump of the bass, I'm talking actual lyrics word perfect, mum has even been able to text the girl next door and tell her what song they are playing! I now hate Candy by Robbie Williams and chasing the sun by The Wanted because of all the times they play it. So hard to get any painting done when you cant hear your music just theirs :( 
     Moving on to something nicer. I actually won something this year!!! My sister Lee had just got some bad news, that she had to move out of her flat, that she shares with her BF James, by the end of January  So she was feeling down and worried about where she'd live after etc. While I was looking up possible flats for her, I took a break and was just browsing on the daily mail website, when up the side came this competition to meet Gerard Butler. I thought oh Lee loves Gerard Butler, I'll enter that! I forgot all about it and didn't bother telling her as I normally never win anything. When I checked my email on the next monday after, there was a email I thought was junk, was just about to delete it, when I noticed it said Gerard Butler. I couldn't believe it I had won her two tickets to a private screening of his new movie "playing for keeps" that he actually attended!! Cheered her right up! she only had 3 days to try and get the thursday off work and find someone to go with her (coz the BF wouldn't) which she managed, she had to get to London by 6.30pm and only finished work at 5pm but made it! She was so excited, so it was worth it! I think I used all my luck up on her LOL. The pic above is her waiting for him to turn up HAHA. Below is how close she got to him! At one point he looked her straight in the eyes! she was a very excited sister :)
So that's what you missed really oh and christmas! Which was good and very fun :) I shall upload a few pics, like my sis the dress twin etc! 
Hope you all had a great christmas and have a even better new year! I'll write a much better blog next time, looking forward to the new year and what excitement it could bring :) 
Catch you all next time :)