A change has began!!!  
We are only 27 days into 2013 and I feel better and more confident then ever! 

It started on the first day back to work with what I was told was a meeting. Turns out it was a course. As regular readers might know, a meeting normally fills with me dread and the thought of it being a course would normally tip me over the edge lol. Not this time.

Sunday night came and I felt a little bit down about going back to a meeting, especially after I was told everything might change (see blog about work lol) but wasn't ill or anything like i usually am.  
Monday morning I got up, dressed and cycled to work, without a second thought or bad feeling. I got to the school about 2 mins late and took my seat at the back.  The new head introduced herself and explained that today wasn't a meeting, it was in fact a course. She introduced this other lady who started of saying we should do an ice breaker first- people bingo. A game where you received a sheet of paper with different things like- someones whose a vegetarian and who drives a silver car, who has twins in the family etc-  you then had to go round asking others to sign one that sounded like them -you get the idea. Well anyway my brain screamed  "nooooooo we're not doing that shit" but I just got up and strolled around chatting to people I didn't know. That inner voice I always give into was shouting "sit down, who the hell do you think you are? WTF are you playing at" but somehow I switched it off. I know even I'm amazed haha. 
After that we were told to move into groups with people we don't work closely with. My boss refused to move, so I bite the bullet and switched seats. I had a little around and thought that table is too icy ( two of them are kinda at war at the moment) , that table has the new head and some governers on it, when I finally found a nice table, we were ready to start. The subject of the course-safe guarding the children against abuse! Pretty heavy topic for 9 o'clock on a monday. It was filled with loads of (you guessed it) group activities and chats about what we just learnt. And you know what I wasn't fazed, I just chatted along. I practically floated home, feeling so normal! I was excited told mum and her responce was "i've actually noticed you changing for the last few months, so I'm not surprised, I'm proud of you" 
It's carried along at work too, I've been making much more of an effort to talk to everyone, including the new guys. I've also been to the cinema twice with my sister. A normal everyday thing that you guys probably think, wow big deal, but I haven't been in about 10 years, I've even made excuses when either of my sisters have invited me. Like "I don't want to go with you and your bf" "oh I'm busy I've got work to do" Anything so I couldn't go. The thought of sitting in a small cinema with a bunch of strangers, isn't exactly one of my favorite things LOL. I hate enclosed spaces and crowds! The first film was The Impossible, it was packed, Orange wednesday so loads of people like me getting in free haha. But I didn't care I didn't panic, even though my sister was saying if you need to leave let me know and we'll go. The film was great but so sad! the following week we saw "Les Miserables" no-where near as busy on a thursday and I still wasn't fazed just excited to finally see if it lived up to the hype......it more then did! It was amazing!!! what wasn't amazing was walking home at 11.30pm in the cold and on the ice because we couldn't get a lift. Me and my lil sis are even planning to take a trip to the theater to see something. I think she's glad I'm building myself up so she has a show buddy lol. My other sister is also looking for what we can do to celebrate my 30th with a show or abit of stand up :)

I'm feeling so much better and I just hope it lasts. I feel like I've had my life on hold for the whole of my 20's and I'm starting to claw it back. Like I'm gaining some kind of control on my anxiety and as my title says "for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic" (Thank you Paramore for that title, I only borrowed it :P ) 
Don't get me wrong, I still have alot of self doubts and I'm not expecting this good turn to last long, I'm sure there's going to be some hurdle to trip me up soon. One little thing that creeps up and wipes away all my good work! But for now I'm just gonna enjoy feeling like a normal person for a change and do all the things I've stopped myself doing. That little negative voice is still there saying "whats the point of trying, people will hate you or you'll get hurt" but I think I have him on mute right now and it feels AWESOME!!! lol. Next stop Silverstone! 
So for now I need to focus on getting this painting finished, cake making and trying to my costume made for my birthday haha. So if I disappear for most of February you'll now why.

Till next time stay safe and keep smiling :)
From Donna xxxxx
Current mood: optimistic! 
Now listening to: Hey Ho- the luminees - such a great tune :)

5 things I'm loving this week.

1. Les Miserables - Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman are heartbreaking and Russell crowe wasn't as bad as I expecting.
2. Orange wednesdays- Who doesn't love freebies lol
3. Nieces random requests- Angel to me "Can you buy me a Gangnam style blanket?" leading to about half an hour of googleing merchandise with her lol
4. Biffy Clyro- new album out now I'm so excited :)
5. Calvin Harris feat Tinie Tempah- Drinking out the bottle- I love it makes me dance while painting :)

5 things I'm hating this week.

1. Snow -I'm over it now, bring on the summer!
2. Surprise toothache- sitting there chilling out and bang heres a surprise toothache lol
3. Keys not working on your laptop- Utterly annoying!
4. You've been framed- my dad is obsessed  its on every day!!!!
5. Alicia Keys- Girl on fire- still hate it and my nieces love it so sing it all the time!


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