Your probably looking at this title thinking "what have you been ill?" my answer would be "in a way, I guess" As some of you might know, I suffer from anxiety attacks and kind of a fear of crowds of people. I've let it run my life quite alot. I've missed funerals, hen nights, work meetings. I don't go on dates and avoid being stuck with new people like the plague!
It makes me feel like a freak and I'm forever saying to my family "I just want to be normal, at least just feel normal" It really really gets me down. I've been offered hypnosis by my uncle and have considered going to the doctors to seek help, but how can I do that when the thought of going there makes me feel ill! Also I'm determined to make myself better on my own. I'm turning stubborn lol. Don't worry this isn't going to be a really negative post.
As the title would suggest I think I've made steps, yay!!
Monday I had a course to do for work and to say I was dreading it would be an understatement! The last time I was in a massive group of strangers like that, was college. When on the fist day I was in the corridor and some dickhead (JP Goodard yes u) refused to call me Donna, I was just called Sick girl for half a year. Maybe that was the starting point of my problems.
I spent the weekend feeling dreadful. I had the nieces round and wasnt in a very fun auntie mood. I was psychically sick and was in full panic mood. By sunday night I was at my worst and hitting the Imodium and throwing up! gross I know but I'm just painting a picture for you all lol. I was wishing I'd wake up with some bad illness or could find a way to clone a more confident me and send them instead lol. But no such luck :(
Monday morning came and to my surprise I didn't feel nervous or scared, I did say to my mum "I wonder if a car could just hit me a little bit, not enough to injure me, but enough to shake me up so they send me home" lol but that was just in fun. As i cycled towards burnt mill secondary school (where the course was being held) I must admit I felt myself getting slower and slower. as I walked through the gate I did get a flash of OMG turn around I cant do this!!! run run!!! but I thought if I quit now they'll just reschedule it and I'll have to go through all this again. I walked into the huge reception area and thought do you know what, this isnt too bad! When I turned up to the small classroom there was 21 other women, mostly from burnt mill, and I took my seat and was fine. I listened to hour apon hour of food safety stuff, learnt all about bacteria's and all that great stuff. I even had to do an exam at the end! Lunch came along and the thought of making small talk with these strangers made me feel a little iffy but I did it, I GOT THROUGH IT! I even bumped into a old college friend who i haven't seen since I was about 18! we eve had a little chat lol.
Those six hours left me feeling so good! this whole week I've just felt like yay I conquered a HUGE fear. I dunno if I'm cured but its a big step forward. I kinda feel like I could go shopping on my own and chat to more people. In fact just today (Friday) I was chatting away to a women at work, that I never talk to, like we've been friends for ages! I really really REALLY hope this is the road to recovery. I've got to try and remember that my imagination is so much worse then reality and just not freak out. I'm not getting any younger and I want kids. Thats not gonna happen while I'm like this. I need my life back and I need it back now.
What do you reckon? road to recovery or not? Leave me a message to see what you think :)
I'd love to hear from you guys! I kinda feel proud of myself, I know it's really stupid and shitty to feel proud about going to a course but I do lol :P
Who knows maybe in a few months time I'll be blogging about a fabulous date I had or exciting places I've been! heres hoping lol.
Take care and speak soon a very happy Don xxx
5 things I'm loving this week
1. our new addition to our family- the not so little Bear a 6 month old puppy.
2. Feeling proud.
3. My little niece Angel getting accepted to the school I work at.
4. Ace of cakes- I'm learning so many tips from there for my nieces cakes lol.
5. The parody of my new fav song by fun- This ones called "We're not young" lol
5 things I'm hating this week
1. Play.coms customer services- nearly 3 weeks to finally get my wrong order sorted.
2. Banks- argh why put a block on my card just becuase I ordered from a new website! oh its new block her so she cant draw out any money!
3. Bad doggys - bear is not trained at all lol
4. the name Bear- who calls a dog bear!!
5. The weather - this time last year I was having barbecues!