...don't you think
A little too ironic......and, yeah, I really do think..."
    One of my all time favourite songs and one of my favourite singers right there! 
But never before have those lyrics actually meant anything to me.
                                  
I was cycling on my way to work, when I thought I haven't wrote a blog in like, 2 months!! 
I was trying to think what was the last thing I wrote about (my mind drifts off like that sometimes, no wonder I don't want to learn to drive lol) and I swear I thought "isn't ironic that now I have things to blog about, I've completely forgot I even have a blog.....yeah, I really do think" lol
It's like I turned 30 and went fuck it I don't need this anymore and it's not true. Truth is I've just been busy enjoying myself and haven't had the time to update it. Making up for lost time has a lot to answer for lol.


So what have I been upto since my last blog? 
    Well I turned 30 and celebrated it, in a nice mature way- dressed up as a teenage ninja mutant turtle,  naturally I was Donatello (See photos for pics). It was 80s themed and as we were tomboys growing up, we loved that show so it was a no brainer. 

    As a birthday present, Lee brought tickets for us to see Les Mis at the theater. I was amazing, everyone was so good and we couldn't decide if the film or stage version was better, we just loved both!  It's still as emotional as the film- even when you know whats going to happen, Lee cried loads, she's such a softie. Defiantly got me abit hooked on shows now. 
    Me and Lee also took our niece Angel out for a day trip. 
When I was asking her where she wanted to go she replied "on the train like you and Lee Lee" As Broxbourne Paradise wildlife park was only 9 minutes away from Harlow, it was perfect. Our other sister Emma dropped lil Angel off to us at the train station at 10.30am and we got her home around 7pm!! It was bloody freezing but we all had a great day. Angel had asked to see dinosaurs so we went on this tiny train to see afew plastic noisy dinosaurs and they made her cry lol. She also was a lil worried about walking past the lion as she thought it wasn't behind glass. She kept pulling me back saying "he wont eat us will he?" She loved the otters though.  We even watched a show in there about animal training, partly to get out of the cold and partly to make the most of our day. 
Angels so funny and makes me want a kid when shes around :) 
I was a little bit freaked out before we went, as I never had that responsibility before and it was a bit of a scary thought - babysitting is so different lol. But the good thing is I was fine as soon as we got on the train :) Angels now decided we need more trips and has to go on the train again lol.
     The following Saturday we went to the opening night show of Carnaby street the musical. We didn't really know what to expect apart from that it was going to have 30 songs from the 60s. 
We started the day doing a monopoly hunt around London (finding and photographing the places on the board) but got distracted by shopping lol well we are girls haha. When we'd finished we had a mad dash to the other side of London. We got to Hackney Empire theater at 7.25, just in time for our 7.30 show. I really loved the whole show, the cast were amazing and it didn't matter that one of the lead actors had to mime because he was ill, it was a funny show filled with great songs that everyone would know. Some of the 60's reference did go over our heads a bit but hey we are children of the 80's :P 
Lee sang along from the first song and by the second half I had gave in to temptation and joined her. The last 10 mins or so is a party, where they do a medley of songs from the show. They invite you all to stand up and sing and dance along with them. We were seated in row B and at first I thought I can't dance while they're looking, but soon enough I was dancing and at one point we even air guitar-ed LOL. I think I may have been enjoying myself a bit to much as one of the actors pointed at me and said "I see ya" lol so embarrassing but cool. We even shared the train home with 3 of the actors (Verity Rushworth, Aaron Sidwell and Tricia Adele-Turner) 
If you can catch it on they're tour, it's deffo worth going, check out the website here If you don't come out smiling, then there's something wrong with you lol.
     I've had two family birthdays to (my niece Ruby and my dads) and afew more cinema trips- I deffo need to get a unlimited card I think now LOL. I also need to get some ID as I went to see evil dead the remake- as me and my sisters are massive horror fans and got asked how old I was!!!! It's an 18 I'm 30!!! As I don't have ID I was lucky she just took my word for it- after a lot of hesitation! 


Anyway that's me all caught up, I promise I won't leave it another two months before I blog again! 
At the moment I doing a countdown as in June I'm taking my biggest step so far. I'm going to Wembley stadium to see my fav band in the whole world...........The Killers!!!! I've not been to a gig since I was 15 and that was to see 5ive! haha and it was one of those, collect the chocolate bar wrappers to go competitions! So long over due but as it holds 90 thousand people, It's a pretty big test to see if I'm over it yet! 

Oh yeah before I go, just one bit of arty news, I've just started selling prints. After my Senna V Hamilton painting drew so much attention! So far I've sold one as a trail run :)

See you next time guys, 
have fun in the sun,
Donna xxxxxxxxx
now playing: If I stray- Frank Turner

A change has began!!!  
We are only 27 days into 2013 and I feel better and more confident then ever! 

It started on the first day back to work with what I was told was a meeting. Turns out it was a course. As regular readers might know, a meeting normally fills with me dread and the thought of it being a course would normally tip me over the edge lol. Not this time.

Sunday night came and I felt a little bit down about going back to a meeting, especially after I was told everything might change (see blog about work lol) but wasn't ill or anything like i usually am.  
Monday morning I got up, dressed and cycled to work, without a second thought or bad feeling. I got to the school about 2 mins late and took my seat at the back.  The new head introduced herself and explained that today wasn't a meeting, it was in fact a course. She introduced this other lady who started of saying we should do an ice breaker first- people bingo. A game where you received a sheet of paper with different things like- someones whose a vegetarian and who drives a silver car, who has twins in the family etc-  you then had to go round asking others to sign one that sounded like them -you get the idea. Well anyway my brain screamed  "nooooooo we're not doing that shit" but I just got up and strolled around chatting to people I didn't know. That inner voice I always give into was shouting "sit down, who the hell do you think you are? WTF are you playing at" but somehow I switched it off. I know even I'm amazed haha. 
After that we were told to move into groups with people we don't work closely with. My boss refused to move, so I bite the bullet and switched seats. I had a little around and thought that table is too icy ( two of them are kinda at war at the moment) , that table has the new head and some governers on it, when I finally found a nice table, we were ready to start. The subject of the course-safe guarding the children against abuse! Pretty heavy topic for 9 o'clock on a monday. It was filled with loads of (you guessed it) group activities and chats about what we just learnt. And you know what I wasn't fazed, I just chatted along. I practically floated home, feeling so normal! I was excited told mum and her responce was "i've actually noticed you changing for the last few months, so I'm not surprised, I'm proud of you" 
It's carried along at work too, I've been making much more of an effort to talk to everyone, including the new guys. I've also been to the cinema twice with my sister. A normal everyday thing that you guys probably think, wow big deal, but I haven't been in about 10 years, I've even made excuses when either of my sisters have invited me. Like "I don't want to go with you and your bf" "oh I'm busy I've got work to do" Anything so I couldn't go. The thought of sitting in a small cinema with a bunch of strangers, isn't exactly one of my favorite things LOL. I hate enclosed spaces and crowds! The first film was The Impossible, it was packed, Orange wednesday so loads of people like me getting in free haha. But I didn't care I didn't panic, even though my sister was saying if you need to leave let me know and we'll go. The film was great but so sad! the following week we saw "Les Miserables" no-where near as busy on a thursday and I still wasn't fazed just excited to finally see if it lived up to the hype......it more then did! It was amazing!!! what wasn't amazing was walking home at 11.30pm in the cold and on the ice because we couldn't get a lift. Me and my lil sis are even planning to take a trip to the theater to see something. I think she's glad I'm building myself up so she has a show buddy lol. My other sister is also looking for what we can do to celebrate my 30th with a show or abit of stand up :)

I'm feeling so much better and I just hope it lasts. I feel like I've had my life on hold for the whole of my 20's and I'm starting to claw it back. Like I'm gaining some kind of control on my anxiety and as my title says "for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic" (Thank you Paramore for that title, I only borrowed it :P ) 
Don't get me wrong, I still have alot of self doubts and I'm not expecting this good turn to last long, I'm sure there's going to be some hurdle to trip me up soon. One little thing that creeps up and wipes away all my good work! But for now I'm just gonna enjoy feeling like a normal person for a change and do all the things I've stopped myself doing. That little negative voice is still there saying "whats the point of trying, people will hate you or you'll get hurt" but I think I have him on mute right now and it feels AWESOME!!! lol. Next stop Silverstone! 
So for now I need to focus on getting this painting finished, cake making and trying to my costume made for my birthday haha. So if I disappear for most of February you'll now why.


Till next time stay safe and keep smiling :)
From Donna xxxxx
Current mood: optimistic! 
Now listening to: Hey Ho- the luminees - such a great tune :)

Hi everyone! sorry I've been neglecting my blog again but I half decided to take a break and was half busy.
So since my last moany blog what have I been upto? 
Well I'm almost at the end of my 6 weeks break from work. Gotta love long school holidays :P  In this time I've been on holiday and been inspired and distracted by the Olympics. 
The first two weeks before my holiday was spent shopping, painting and Olympic watching of course.  
Wasn't the the Olympics amazing! Right from the opening ceremony to the closing ceremony I was hooked! Not surprising as I'm a massive sports fan! What did surprise me was how emotion I got throughout the whole thing, everyone from Mo and Jess winning gold to the disappointment of those going home empty handed . Alot of those rowers had me in tears, Kath grainger finally achieving her dreams left sobbing lol. I was also inspired to get my act together to go for it and follow my dreams. The whole Olympics left me feeling proud and sent me off on holiday feeling good. 
For my holiday I only went to Felixstowe with the family but it was break I really needed. We choose the right week for it, the weather was perfect!!!! So hot I actually got sunburnt LOL. My legs should be in amazing shape as we walked everywhere. From one side of the of Felixstowe to the other and back in 5 hours haha. All of our right shoulders got sunburnt, we were thinking its ok on the way back it'll caught the other side, noooooo of course it didnt! So red right shoulders all round for us Quicks  We had alot of laughs and fun. Me and my sister Lee are non swimmers but actually braved the sea for a little dip then had to brave a shower together as we were covered in sand lol. Strange experience that was let me tell you :P I felt so much more like I could be myself in Felixstowe, maybe it was because no-one knew me but all the fears went away! So much so I wore a bikini for the first time in 29 years on the beach!!!!! next to my sister in her bikini, any of you that have seen her will know what I mean there LOL.  
After such a fun break we returned to find out our cat had been WAY over fed and had been given dinner 3 times in one day! Someone had been in my mums bedroom and moved things around. My other sister Emma even had to clean up our living room as she said there was crisps and crumbs all over the floor! We certainly didn't leave it like that. All this is from leaving a family member to pop in and fed the kitty!
Anyway enough of me going on, sorry if this blogs abit disjointed, i think it might be the worst i've written but I got distracted by the paralympics opening ceremony lol
Hope you guys are all good, I'm just gonna upload some pics then I'm off to start the second part of my blog that will need your feed back :P hehe
bye guys catch you soon with a better blog :P
Take care Donna xx 

I've been meaning to write a blog all week but just not got round to it. So here it is.
Your probably looking at this title thinking "what have you been ill?" my answer would be "in a way, I guess" As some of you might know, I suffer from anxiety attacks and kind of a fear of crowds of people. I've let it run my life quite alot. I've missed funerals, hen nights, work meetings. I don't go on dates and avoid being stuck with new people like the plague! 
It makes me feel like a freak and I'm forever saying to my family "I just want to be normal, at least just feel normal" It really really gets me down. I've been offered hypnosis by my uncle and have considered going to the doctors to seek help, but how can I do that when the thought of going there makes me feel ill! Also I'm determined to make myself better on my own. I'm turning stubborn lol. Don't worry this isn't going to be a really negative post. 
As the title would suggest I think I've made steps, yay!! 
Monday I had a course to do for work and to say I was dreading it would be an understatement! The last time I was in a massive group of strangers like that, was college. When on the fist day I was in the corridor and some dickhead (JP Goodard yes u) refused to call me Donna, I was just called Sick girl for half a year. Maybe that was the starting point of my problems.
I spent the weekend feeling dreadful. I had the nieces round and wasnt in a very fun auntie mood. I was psychically sick and was in full panic mood. By sunday night I was at my worst and hitting the Imodium and throwing up! gross I know but I'm just painting a picture for you all lol. I was wishing I'd wake up with some bad illness or could find a way to clone a more confident me and send them instead lol. But no such luck :(
Monday morning came and to my surprise I didn't feel nervous or scared, I did say to my mum "I wonder if a car could just hit me a little bit, not enough to injure me, but enough to shake me up so they send me home" lol but that was just in fun. As i cycled towards burnt mill secondary school (where the course was being held) I must admit I felt myself getting slower and slower. as I walked through the gate I did get a flash of OMG turn around I cant do this!!! run run!!! but I thought if I quit now they'll just reschedule it and I'll have to go through all this again. I walked into the huge reception area and thought do you know what, this isnt too bad! When I turned up to the small classroom there was 21 other women, mostly from burnt mill, and I took my seat and was fine. I listened to hour apon hour of food safety stuff, learnt all about bacteria's and all that great stuff. I even had to do an exam at the end! Lunch came along and the thought of making small talk with these strangers made me feel a little iffy but I did it, I GOT THROUGH IT!  I even bumped into a old college friend who i haven't seen since I was about 18! we eve had a little chat lol.
Those six hours left me feeling so good! this whole week I've just felt like yay I conquered a HUGE fear. I dunno if I'm cured but its a big step forward. I kinda feel like I could go shopping on my own and chat to more people. In fact just today (Friday) I was chatting away to a women at work, that I never talk to, like we've been friends for ages!  I really really REALLY hope this is the road to recovery. I've got to try and remember that my imagination is so much worse then reality and just not freak out. I'm not getting any younger and I want kids. Thats not gonna happen while I'm like this. I need  my life back and I need it back now.  
What do you reckon? road to recovery or not? Leave me a message to see what you think :)
I'd love to hear from you guys! I kinda feel proud of myself, I know it's really stupid and shitty to feel proud about going to a course but I do lol :P
Who knows maybe in a few months time I'll be blogging about a fabulous date I had or exciting places I've been! heres hoping lol.
Take care and speak soon a very happy Don xxx